Blah Blah Blah

I know this is really weird to say, but life feels so blah right now. i keep waiting for something to happen, and then nothing does, and i spend all day just sitting here trying to force myself to do something useful. alot of people keep telling me to let myself recover and not push myself hard and that i need time to relax. i kind of wonder if they forget that if i don't do things, it won't get done. and i've had plenty of weeks to recover. but the thing is, i don't have Caleb here to help me. i can't leave the dishes for him to help me with when he gets home. I can't hand Connor off to him when i feel like screaming or crying. unfortunately these things just aren't luxuries i have right now. so, i MUST get things done, and i MUST be strong and push myself to work hard each day. if i don't, i just sit at home sinking into a a huge pity party. and that isn't something i really want to do. yes, i have my woah is me moments, but i'm trying hard not to let it drag me down. it does me no good to be depressed, and it does Caleb no good to worry about me and feel bad for being gone. i've been trying really hard to keep busy, but i'm kind of running out of things to do. of course my top priority is taking care of Connor, but while he's sleeping i've got nothing to do. At times i feel like i've become "Connor's Mommy" instead of just plain old Rebecca. don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing, but i just can't keep hiding behind him as an excuse for everything i do or don't do. He IS my main priority, but that doesn't mean i have to quit going places or seeing people, and i can't quit being me and doing the things i like. i don't want to quit all of it, but i find myself feeling a bit lost when i try to spend time on me. it's weird. i could probably just blame it all on baby blues or something, but it just bothers me a bit. I've been missing home alot lately. I miss my family, and my friends. I miss Caleb so much that sometimes i just sit and try to cry, but I'm becoming so accustom to feeling lonely that i can't even cry i just sit and feel empty inside. i'm trying to remind myself only 6 more weeks until he's home, but during weak moments it still seems like an eternity til he's here with me again... i've been trying to spend all my spare time working on little projects, but i'm running out of them. I've compiled a list that i try to do a few things of each day, because its hard for me to remember all the things i used to like. it's been helping a bit, but it still bothers me that i have to FORCE myself to do the things that i used to love doing. i'm not quite sure what changed all of it... but because of it i've decided that i need to start fresh with everything. I need to start working on me. i need to make goals, and work on talents, and make new discoveries of things i enjoy and am good at. i need to discover myself again in a way. i need to find a way to be able to have good days instead of every day being just the same old ..."blah"...

One Month Down

Connor will be one month old on Friday! The time has gone by sooooo fast! He's finally outgrown his newborn size clothes, and he's starting to become a bit of a chunk! Lately he HATES sleeping, and will scream his head off if i try to put him down. Even if i got him to fall asleep holding him the second i lay him down he is awake and SCREAMING! i'm hopeful he will grow out of it though. He was supposed to get pictures taken today and miraculously he was sleeping when she arrived! but....she wanted him awake :( so after waking him up he was TICKED OFF! he was seriously furious that i would dare wake him up! so needless to say, it didn't go well, and will have to be redone another day. after she left he promptlly fell right back asleep. i'm a bit baffled by it since lately its been the norm for him to refuse to sleep at all, but, on the brightside, it allows me to get to do a bit of blogging and other needed things. :)

i have started a countdown until Caleb can come home! i'm very excited about it :) he will fly home August 4th!!! His graduation is the 3rd, but we will not be going since we are trying to save money, and it would be a bit stressful for me with Connor. i really wish i could go see him.... but it won't be happening, so i must be patient and wait til he returns home. we are down to 7 weeks! yay!!! i'm sooooo ready for him to be home! i have not been enjoying this whole "single mom" type experience. its not easy, and its not fun, and to be honest, i'm tired of the pitying looks i get from people. People keep telling me how strong i must be to handle all of this alone, but i'm really not. no one sees what goes on at home. behind closed doors i'm constantly on the verge of hysterical breakdowns. but i try to keep that to only when Connor is sleeping. He seems to sense when my emotions, and i don't like him getting fussy and stressed just because i am. Caleb's been gone for 20 weeks now, and we've only spent 1 week of that together. not very fun. :( i can't wait for him to be done!!! i'm tempted to make a countdown to his return chain :).

i've been a bit bummed lately because i wanted to do something special for his first Father's Day, but i couldn't. There isn't very much i could send him, and if i send a card it probably won't get there in time :(. i feel like a horrible wife! i know its not that big of a deal to him, but still. i guess i just gotta see what i can come up with in the next few days.

Squeeky Clean!

Connor got his first real bath today! he had his two week doctors appointment, and she said he was all ready to start baths! his umbilical cord did fall off last week, but there had been some left inside that still had to come out before she advised getting it wet. but at yesterdays appointment it came right off, so after waking up this morning it was bath time!!!! i tried to record parts of it for Caleb, and take pictures, but multitasking is not my strong point, so that didn't exactly work out. But thats ok lol. He seemed to really enjoy the bath after he got over the initial shock of being sat in water when that had never happened before lol. the doctor also said he is gaining weight beautifully! he's up to 8 12 now! :)