Blah Blah Blah

I know this is really weird to say, but life feels so blah right now. i keep waiting for something to happen, and then nothing does, and i spend all day just sitting here trying to force myself to do something useful. alot of people keep telling me to let myself recover and not push myself hard and that i need time to relax. i kind of wonder if they forget that if i don't do things, it won't get done. and i've had plenty of weeks to recover. but the thing is, i don't have Caleb here to help me. i can't leave the dishes for him to help me with when he gets home. I can't hand Connor off to him when i feel like screaming or crying. unfortunately these things just aren't luxuries i have right now. so, i MUST get things done, and i MUST be strong and push myself to work hard each day. if i don't, i just sit at home sinking into a a huge pity party. and that isn't something i really want to do. yes, i have my woah is me moments, but i'm trying hard not to let it drag me down. it does me no good to be depressed, and it does Caleb no good to worry about me and feel bad for being gone. i've been trying really hard to keep busy, but i'm kind of running out of things to do. of course my top priority is taking care of Connor, but while he's sleeping i've got nothing to do. At times i feel like i've become "Connor's Mommy" instead of just plain old Rebecca. don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing, but i just can't keep hiding behind him as an excuse for everything i do or don't do. He IS my main priority, but that doesn't mean i have to quit going places or seeing people, and i can't quit being me and doing the things i like. i don't want to quit all of it, but i find myself feeling a bit lost when i try to spend time on me. it's weird. i could probably just blame it all on baby blues or something, but it just bothers me a bit. I've been missing home alot lately. I miss my family, and my friends. I miss Caleb so much that sometimes i just sit and try to cry, but I'm becoming so accustom to feeling lonely that i can't even cry i just sit and feel empty inside. i'm trying to remind myself only 6 more weeks until he's home, but during weak moments it still seems like an eternity til he's here with me again... i've been trying to spend all my spare time working on little projects, but i'm running out of them. I've compiled a list that i try to do a few things of each day, because its hard for me to remember all the things i used to like. it's been helping a bit, but it still bothers me that i have to FORCE myself to do the things that i used to love doing. i'm not quite sure what changed all of it... but because of it i've decided that i need to start fresh with everything. I need to start working on me. i need to make goals, and work on talents, and make new discoveries of things i enjoy and am good at. i need to discover myself again in a way. i need to find a way to be able to have good days instead of every day being just the same old ..."blah"...