I Miss My Hubby...

That pretty much says it all. i miss him. alot. you'd expect it to get easier.. but i think its getting worse :(. i think my mental breakdowns are happening more and more often, and its getting harder to snap out of it and get through the day without being sad. i just miss him. i'm ready for him to be home... thank goodness theres only three more weeks. on nights like tonight when Connor refuses to sleep, i just want to curl up in a little ball and cry my eyes out. but it doesn't accomplish anything, so i dont. but that doesn't stop me from wishing i could. i can't decide if it was easier before Connor was here, or now. yes its nice to not be alone, and to have someone to focus on and take care of and love, but it hard to live the single mom life. i'm very very VERY ready for Caleb to be back home. i know he'll be busy the majority of the time, but i need to have our little snuggle sessions again where i can just talk and talk and talk about whatever i feel like. i miss my best friend! :(

Enough of my boring old sob story. on to the more interesting things in life. this week Connor and i have been trying to keep busy! i'm working on getting Connor started on a routine. i need to find a bit of an easy, expected schedule in my days instead of all the chaos. He seems to be adapting relatively well, but he still wakes up for a feeding in the middle of the night even though he doesn't necessarily need it (i honestly think he just does it out of habit, and i'm hoping to change that!) and he seems to have trouble falling asleep at bed time. he'll sleep for 15- 30 minutes then wake up and want to be held, just to fall back asleep after like 15 minutes. i'm not quite sure the reasoning for it, but i'm hoping we will get it figured out. i didn't have to work very hard at scheduling naps during the day because he already had a bit of a habit with his naps. he takes a short nap in the early afternoon, then a longer one after lunch time, and usually another very very short one in the early evening. it seemed odd to me at first... but he did it very regularly so i'm just letting him continue it until it stops working for us. i used to not ever go out, so i would just run errands at the times that seemed suitable, but lately i've been having different appointments and going out more, so i decided it was best if i knew when his naps usually are, so i know when its best to schedule things and when it will throw of his daily routine and cause problems. yes, he is a very very sweet baby, but he sure does have a temper when he gets too tired!!!!

I have been continuing my pilates workout every morning, and i can honestly say i'm enjoying it. i feel healthier and seem to have more energy. i like it. i ate a pizza for dinner the other night, and the next morning felt soooo sluggish and tired, and could barely do my workout. i think it may encourage me to eat healthier so i can keep up the workouts and not feel so horrible during them! yesterday we even went on a walk in the evening after it cooled down outside. it was about a 1/2 hr walk, and i kept up a pretty brisk pace the whole time, so it was definitely a bit of cardio to add to my workout. i enjoyed it and i'm thinking of making a habit of doing it a few times a week. i was at my doctors this week because i had a somewhat suspicious looking mole my doctor wanted to send off to a lab just in case there was anything to worry about, and i was really excited because i've lost more baby weight! yay! im down to 144! it still seems like alot to me, and before this pregnancy i had never ever EVER been anywhere close to that weight, so i'm still a bit intimidated by the amount to loose, but i'm determined. my sister told me shes 5 lbs lighter now than she was when she got pregnant, so im determined to do the same. hopefully if i work my butt off it will start to show! atleast in time for our trip to idaho... i'd hate for everyone there to see me and think "oh wow... she's gotten huge". i don't want my weight to be the first thing anyone notices. but i would LOVE if there reaction was "wow... she really just had a baby?!?!!?" that would be great. and its also highly unrealistic, but who cares. if you shoot for the moon, you may end up reaching a star! and thats still an improvement right???

i went to the dentist for the first time in nearly 18 months, and once again, not a single cavity!!! yay! i was so proud of myself. 21 and never had a cavity. i got complimented for my great teeth! i thank my mother for them. :) i even made sure to tell her that today. she told my my baby bro is getting braces on Wednesday. he needs them bad i know, but i hated my braces! i feel bad for him. i'm grateful i had them, and i love my nice smile now, but they're a pain. but i know his teeth are a million times worse than mine ever were though, so i'm sure this will be a great thing for him. Also this week i found out that i totally forgot i had only 60 days to get Connor enrolled in TriCare (the military insurance), and had to rush to mail Caleb Connor's birth certificate and social security card so he can get him into DEERS so i can get him in TriCare. its a pain.... thats all i have to say. i'm really hopeful that it won't take long though because Connor has his two month checkup next thursday when he's supposed to get his shots... i may have to postpone it until his insurance becomes effective though. i don't know how long that will take.... ugh the joys of insurance. i'm grateful to have it though, and i'm well aware the amount of money it saves us. i'm currently triple covered, and i was pleasantly shocked when i found out how much money it saved us from Connor's birth. kind of a relief to pay nearly nothing for him! babies are ridiculously expensive.... but i think Connor is well worth it :).

Post - Baby Body = GRRRRRRR

Today i did a much dreaded thing.... i went through all my pre-pregnancy clothes. Now there's unfortunately not much left. I have started doing pilates everyday, and i'm trying to eat healthy, but unfortunately for me i don't understand the difference between normal food and healthy food. i don't' understand what things to avoid, and how much of each thing to eat... and diets are not my forte. My way of eating healthy is avoiding snacky food, and dessert, which is INCREDIBLY hard for me. i'm sure i'm doing everything wrong, but i'm trying to tell myself that i'm making an effort so it counts. I have been a bit surprised at myself lately because i want soooo bad to go for a run. i HATE running. they usually end in an asthma attack, and they normally only last a few minutes. but, i have no one to leave Connor with. I'm sure i could always ask a friend from the ward, but i don't' want to drive Connor over, just to drive back while i run and other things for maybe 30 minutes, then drive back and pick him up, just to drive back home again. it seems a waste. then i get all discouraged because i don't think i'm working out enough for it to count. i'm doing about 25 minutes of pilates a day.... but i can't really expect there to be any obvious results after only a week... but it would be alot more encouraging if it did! :( atleast i've been sore... that must mean its doing something, even if its not much.  i am keeping most of my pre-pregnancy size pants and skirts because i'm hoping to one day (hopefully sometime in the next year) fit into them again. pretty much every single one of my dresses are gone though, due to the fact that my bust size doesn't allow them to zip up past that point now, or i can't pull the dress past that point. and the majority of my nice dress shirts also have that problem. my mother said i shouldn't count on ever fitting that back into the old size, so i guess there was no point in keeping them hoping to shrink back. and i'm ok with that though. so, nearly all my nice dressy clothes are gone, and i'm left with a bunch of over-sized t-shirts, and my maternity pants that are huge now so i look a million times bigger than i really am. its slightly disheartening :(. i wish we had a ton of money so i could buy a new wardrobe that actually fits! i guess all of this is nice for my dear sister Jessica who wanted to have my dresses anyways, but i wouldn't let her. now, her already plentiful wardrobe will continue to grow, while mine shrinks to near non-existence. lovely. but atleast someone is benefiting from this very annoying situation. i made the mistake of looking at old pictures of me the other day, and man was i skinny! i think my hips have widened to the point that i'll never look that thin ever again! i know Connor is worth it all, but grr i wish it wouldn't take so long to shed all the pregnancy pounds! i'm still about 15 lbs heavier than i was when i got pregnant :( and even then i was still about 10 lbs heavier than i wanted to be. i would loooove if i could go back to the 120 i was after highschool, lol but i'm pretty darn certain that's never gonna happen. i'm trying to tell myself that 125 is an ok goal weight to reach, but who knows, that's still pretty little and i don't' know if i'll ever be that way again!. its frustrating to have to tell myself i need to loose like 20 lbs! or maybe more... i made myself promptly forget the weight i was at my last doctor appoinment. but i remember thinking WHAT THE?!?!?!!?!? not fun :(.  so, i've been working hard at trying to make some goals for myself. hopefully i will be able to keep it up, cuz i'm going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in September, and i'd hate to look ginormous next to every one of the skinny cute girls. cross your fingers for me!!!

Fun Memories to Pass the Time

My bestest cousin Bethy came to see me!!!! :) it was soooo much fun! We got to talk about so much, and it made me so happy to see her so happy! It has been crazy seeing how much we've both changed and grown over the years, but i love that we've managed to stay close despite the distance. We did some fun stuff while she was here like taking Connor to the pool for the first time, and going to visit a ghost town, and even braving the horrible heat in my apartment when the AC went out. We talked a ton, and watched chick flicks, and laughed over memories and the new dumb stuff we did like driving forever across town because i'm a dummy... haha i don't think either of us are very good navigators! It was so great having her here! It helped distract me from missing Caleb, and it was wonderful to have someone here to help with Connor! So glad she got to come!!! :) We made some great memories :)


Caleb should be home in one more month. i'm soooo anxious for it! I've began to miss him horribly... i realized he's been gone for almost 6 months. i want him to be home with me again, and to be able to watch Connor grow. I know its hard on him to not be here sharing these experiences with us, and i try hard to help keep him from getting too lonely or sad. Technically there's only a few more weeks, so i'm just trying to tell myself it will go by fast if i keep myself busy busy busy. I'm distracting myself by making all sorts of plans for our big trip to Idaho in September. I'm sooo excited for it! :) i have so many friends i want to see, and i miss my family! While we're there i get to be in one of my best friend's weddings, and i am so excited to get to share a part in her big day! While we're there we will be having a few big days ourselves :) we are finally going to get to go through the temple!!!! It has been a long wait, but its finally going to happen! waiting all these months for Caleb to come home has been a painfully long wait, but i know it will all be worth it! i'm hoping to get the temple scheduled this next week and then we will have a for sure date! i can't wait for our little family to be sealed together for eternity!!!

Connor is getting so big! i can't believe time is going by so fast... he was supposed to stay teeny weeny forever! He has started making all sorts of new faces, and also new sounds. Lately he makes this little clicking sound with his tongue. he coos and i think he tries to laugh sometimes! he loves when i hold him so he can stand, and he has developed a new habit of grabbing my hair. He ADORES his baths, and always gets all smiley when he gets them, and also when he gets diaper changes. not sure what it is about that changing table, but he always stops crying when i set him on it! He loves squealing and staring at my fanny faces i make at him, and he LOVES attention. in fact, he gets mad when i don't pay enough attention. He burps easy, eats well, sleeps well (when he wants to be sleeping), and overall is a perfectly sweet baby boy. I'm lucky enough to not get peed on very often, and he's only pooped in his bath once, although he does seem to be a fan of peeing in it. he rarely causes problems, and loves to snuggle! needless to say, i completely adore him. :)

Blah Blah Blah

I know this is really weird to say, but life feels so blah right now. i keep waiting for something to happen, and then nothing does, and i spend all day just sitting here trying to force myself to do something useful. alot of people keep telling me to let myself recover and not push myself hard and that i need time to relax. i kind of wonder if they forget that if i don't do things, it won't get done. and i've had plenty of weeks to recover. but the thing is, i don't have Caleb here to help me. i can't leave the dishes for him to help me with when he gets home. I can't hand Connor off to him when i feel like screaming or crying. unfortunately these things just aren't luxuries i have right now. so, i MUST get things done, and i MUST be strong and push myself to work hard each day. if i don't, i just sit at home sinking into a a huge pity party. and that isn't something i really want to do. yes, i have my woah is me moments, but i'm trying hard not to let it drag me down. it does me no good to be depressed, and it does Caleb no good to worry about me and feel bad for being gone. i've been trying really hard to keep busy, but i'm kind of running out of things to do. of course my top priority is taking care of Connor, but while he's sleeping i've got nothing to do. At times i feel like i've become "Connor's Mommy" instead of just plain old Rebecca. don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing, but i just can't keep hiding behind him as an excuse for everything i do or don't do. He IS my main priority, but that doesn't mean i have to quit going places or seeing people, and i can't quit being me and doing the things i like. i don't want to quit all of it, but i find myself feeling a bit lost when i try to spend time on me. it's weird. i could probably just blame it all on baby blues or something, but it just bothers me a bit. I've been missing home alot lately. I miss my family, and my friends. I miss Caleb so much that sometimes i just sit and try to cry, but I'm becoming so accustom to feeling lonely that i can't even cry i just sit and feel empty inside. i'm trying to remind myself only 6 more weeks until he's home, but during weak moments it still seems like an eternity til he's here with me again... i've been trying to spend all my spare time working on little projects, but i'm running out of them. I've compiled a list that i try to do a few things of each day, because its hard for me to remember all the things i used to like. it's been helping a bit, but it still bothers me that i have to FORCE myself to do the things that i used to love doing. i'm not quite sure what changed all of it... but because of it i've decided that i need to start fresh with everything. I need to start working on me. i need to make goals, and work on talents, and make new discoveries of things i enjoy and am good at. i need to discover myself again in a way. i need to find a way to be able to have good days instead of every day being just the same old ..."blah"...

One Month Down

Connor will be one month old on Friday! The time has gone by sooooo fast! He's finally outgrown his newborn size clothes, and he's starting to become a bit of a chunk! Lately he HATES sleeping, and will scream his head off if i try to put him down. Even if i got him to fall asleep holding him the second i lay him down he is awake and SCREAMING! i'm hopeful he will grow out of it though. He was supposed to get pictures taken today and miraculously he was sleeping when she arrived! but....she wanted him awake :( so after waking him up he was TICKED OFF! he was seriously furious that i would dare wake him up! so needless to say, it didn't go well, and will have to be redone another day. after she left he promptlly fell right back asleep. i'm a bit baffled by it since lately its been the norm for him to refuse to sleep at all, but, on the brightside, it allows me to get to do a bit of blogging and other needed things. :)

i have started a countdown until Caleb can come home! i'm very excited about it :) he will fly home August 4th!!! His graduation is the 3rd, but we will not be going since we are trying to save money, and it would be a bit stressful for me with Connor. i really wish i could go see him.... but it won't be happening, so i must be patient and wait til he returns home. we are down to 7 weeks! yay!!! i'm sooooo ready for him to be home! i have not been enjoying this whole "single mom" type experience. its not easy, and its not fun, and to be honest, i'm tired of the pitying looks i get from people. People keep telling me how strong i must be to handle all of this alone, but i'm really not. no one sees what goes on at home. behind closed doors i'm constantly on the verge of hysterical breakdowns. but i try to keep that to only when Connor is sleeping. He seems to sense when my emotions, and i don't like him getting fussy and stressed just because i am. Caleb's been gone for 20 weeks now, and we've only spent 1 week of that together. not very fun. :( i can't wait for him to be done!!! i'm tempted to make a countdown to his return chain :).

i've been a bit bummed lately because i wanted to do something special for his first Father's Day, but i couldn't. There isn't very much i could send him, and if i send a card it probably won't get there in time :(. i feel like a horrible wife! i know its not that big of a deal to him, but still. i guess i just gotta see what i can come up with in the next few days.

Squeeky Clean!

Connor got his first real bath today! he had his two week doctors appointment, and she said he was all ready to start baths! his umbilical cord did fall off last week, but there had been some left inside that still had to come out before she advised getting it wet. but at yesterdays appointment it came right off, so after waking up this morning it was bath time!!!! i tried to record parts of it for Caleb, and take pictures, but multitasking is not my strong point, so that didn't exactly work out. But thats ok lol. He seemed to really enjoy the bath after he got over the initial shock of being sat in water when that had never happened before lol. the doctor also said he is gaining weight beautifully! he's up to 8 12 now! :)

A Weekend With Daddy!

 
Caleb got to come home to spend Memorial Day Weekend with Connor! I felt like the time passed much too quickly, but we definitely got a lot done and enjoyed all the time we had together as a family. We picked him up from the airport about noon, and after a stop at home to unpack and do some snuggling we headed to the car dealership. Thursday afternoon my dad and mom had taken me to try to find a couple cars so Caleb and I wouldn't have to spend all Friday searching. We found Berge Ford, and there i found an amazing deal on a car! We had been intended to get a Ford Fusion, but there weren't any that were quite as in our price range. The car i found was DEFINITELY more affordable, and i was really excited to show Caleb. So on Friday when i showed him, we took it on a test drive, and that was all it took. I was a bit nervous to see how all the financing would go, but luckily for us, my parents were AMAZING and were willing to cosign on the loan, and in the end it all worked out beautifully! We traded the old truck in, so now i don't have to worry about breaking down wherever we go, or about being roasted in the Arizona summer heat. :) And we got more money out of the truck than we had even expected to! When Caleb and my Dad went home to get the truck i just kept praying over and over and over again please don't let it break down on the way back here!!!! Not quite sure how we would have been able to explain our way out of that one! But we were blessed, and it drove fine the whole way. Once all the papers were signed and keys were handed over i felt a huge relief! One less thing for me to have to worry about while Caleb's gone! So now we are the owners of a 2005 Ford 500 :)

We spent the rest of the weekend trying to make sure all of our money and plans are in order. We extended our lease for our apartment, and got some shopping done, and redid our budget so i have it for the rest of the time Caleb is gone and won't have to stress. We took lots and lots of naps :). And each night we watched a little bit of Tangled. We'd get so tired that we'd just go to bed and pick up where we left off the next night lol. Caleb was so sweet about waking up and helping with Connor, and several times he walked the floor with him and just let me sleep. Pretty much adore my husband! Saturday was basically a lounge day for us, but it was wonderful. Sunday we decided to take Connor to church. I know alot of people say you should keep babies at home for the first month, but honestly, that just wasn't working for me. He did really well at church til close to the end of Sunday School i had to take him and feed him, and then he got all fussy, so we just left not far into the 3rd hr. But i'm pretty sure Caleb enjoyed getting to see people. After all, he hadn't been there for 4 1/2 months! After Church we all took a nap together, and after a late dinner we went on a walk :). It was the perfect way to end our little weekend together!